We all make mistakes in life. We make poor decisions and hurt those we love and some we don’t. How do we know when the time is right to make the first steps toward healing? Let me tell you, my story.
It’s not easy for me to apologize but I used to say I’m sorry for everything. Confused? Lol, I don’t blame you. Well, you see I used to always feel worthless and that everything was my fault. That I would never be loved or find someone that loved me. Yes, I was told these things and I took them as truths. It wasn’t until the last few years that I realized that the time to let the past go was now and I needed to heal. I needed to start with the one person who hurt me all my life. My Father. I’m not the only person in the world with Daddy Issues.
My father was very strong, well known, influential, and did so much for the safety and progression of his community. I guess that’s where I get my drive from. I always wanted to make him proud so that he would give me attention. I always felt like I disappointed him. Honestly, I don’t know if he was proud of me or not. I like to think he is, and I believe I’ll keep thinking that.
In January 2020, I was out to lunch with my Papaw, and in walked my father with 2 other gentlemen. We all sat together for lunch and when I went to pay my father had already paid. That was his love language. Like so many others of his generation. I had a horrible feeling that this visit would be the last good one. A short time later I went to visit him, and I asked if we could put the past behind us and he said he would love that. After that, we talked at least every 2 weeks, which was more than I believe we had my whole life.
Even though we only saw each other a few times, due to Covid-19, 2020 was the best year we had communication-wise. At the end of January 2020, my Papaw and Mamaw passed away and he was able to come and show support, though he couldn’t stay long. His health was deeply declining, and he took great precautions and didn’t let covid take him out. He passed away on December 1, 2020.
The dirty truth is that my father and mother were high school sweethearts that got married, fought about stupid stuff that young married people do, and divorced. My father was remarried by the time my brother and I arrived a month apart. I then became a dirty little secret. Of course, the family knew, but as far as the public, it wasn’t known.
I was celebrated by my mothers’ side of the family and only accepted by my fathers’ side for roughly a year, total.
When I met my grandmother again as an adult, I forgave her for treating me poorly as a baby. She wouldn’t hold me. She denied I existed. Through forgiveness, I was able to learn about her mother who was full Native American, and oh the stories.
Even at my father’s service, his siblings ignored me and his community members had no idea who I was.
What was I to expect? I was treated the same by my own siblings.
Backing up a little bit, I really forgave him in 2017 when I named my Pagan Church/Coven after him. While I should have, traditionally speaking, had the last name Rowan, I wasn’t given that. (Remember, I was a secret.) So I decided to claim it for a positive.
My father and I went years without speaking, but I am forever grateful that we were able to have the time we did. You may never be ready to move forward, but when opportunities present themselves, you have to feel the discomfort and force your way through it, and take the chance. Otherwise, you risk regretting not taking the chance later.
Say what you need to say, get off your chest what you need to get off your chest, if for no other reason than to free yourself from regret. You deserve Peace and Happiness, make amends for your own comfort.